I have decided that I am a rational romantic. I think marriage is a beautiful concept. I love the idea of two people coming together to tackle the trials of life side by side. I like to think of married couples more like superhero duos than a fantasy prince and princess, because it's more mature and sophisticated; not to mention the feminist, gender-equal appeal.
Despite my respect and appreciation for marriage, I have recently made every excuse there is to make about not wanting to get married: I am a loner, I am independent, I am messy in relationships, I'm focusing on my career right now, I don't need anyone else to be happy, I have trust issues, etc. But, I've realized that the true reason I can't imagine myself as a married woman anytime soon is this: I don't want to.
I don't want to spend my days compromising. I don't want to feel responsible for anyone else's emotional well being. I don't want to have to share my deepest fears and dreams and desires. I don't want to feel obligated to comfort someone after I've had a hard day or make dinner after a 12 hours shift, because it's "my night to cook." I like being alone. I like spending my free time doing what I want and eating what I want and watching what I like and not feeling responsible for anyone but myself. It sounds obnoxious, but there it is.
Unfortunately, society has missed the memo. I have found myself surrounded by two groups of women. One group spends their days running around planning weddings and having babies and buying homes with picket fences and vans with stick figure families on the back windows. The other group secretly (or not so secretly) frets about not finding their Prince Charming, reading relationship advice columns and self-help books, signing up for multiple dating sites and dieting to get the perfect, desirable bod. It's a grown up high school and once again I am on the outskirts of every clique, so I eat lunch by myself and wonder what the heck is going on in society.
None of it makes any sense to me. I simply don't understand the sudden rush to pair off and "settle down." Is it a fear of losing physical appeal? Or maybe a fear of being alone or losing fertility? Or is everyone truly under the belief that once you hit your mid 20s, you should really find a partner and build a life together, because holy shit there is only 70-80 more years of life left and who wants to spend it alone!? Just me I guess..
Here's my train of thought on the manner: I refuse to marry someone because it's the proper thing to do at 20-something. Life is too short to rush into a life long commitment because the societal clock is ticking. If I were to devote myself to another human being, to share the rest of my life with someone else, that person would have to be perfect. And I don't mean perfect in the sense that they will have stunning eyes and perfectly quaffed hair with a dashing smile, or even that their personality is perfect. That person has to be perfect for me and I him. We would have to fit perfectly, like puzzle pieces.
The man I marry would have to have to be my "other half," or "soul mate," as some like to call it. That is the only person I would be willing to share my life with. And while I do believe such a thing exists, because I am a romantic at heart, I am also a realist and remain skeptical that I will find such a rare and precious person in this lifetime.
I came to a beautiful realization today: I truly believe that if I were to find such a person, I wouldn't be selfish anymore. I would want to spend my days compromising and sharing and growing with that person, because that is what true love is all about. If you truly love someone, it's no longer a sacrifice to be with them, it's a gift, because they make you better, and making the other person happy is the best feeling you can have.
So, if you're out there, my partner in crime, no need to rush. I am pretty content with my selfish, soon-to-be-thirty existence.
And when you do show up, I'll be ready.
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